None of us can be satisfied. And the word happiness is over rated.
At this point in my life things are getting outta my hand. Though my hyper-happy self is still there off and on, it is not motivating me to do anything productive. In week days, all day long, I am just preparing ppts for my lectures and talking. I come back home, eat, press my dress for the next day, read a book with tiring eyes and go to sleep.
Wake up, get ready for the uni, try my best do stuff and be productive. I then prepare ppts, take class(s), waste rest of the time instead of doing things I thought I would do in the morning. Come back home ................................and then another day.
Preparing ppts is just preparing ppts. So much more can be done by me for my students. It feels like I am wasting each and every minute of my life. I am going down the drain. It was not like at the start of this year. Even till last semester (August) I was so motivated and excited about classes, my courses and all that. Something has changed inside me. I have lost all the tracks.
I no more want to break free and run far away...no more !
But what I want now?
Answer is nothing.
We are either progressing or retrograding all the while; there is no such thing as remaining stationary in this life. --James Freeman Clarke
I have no idea what that is happening. I have no idea whether all that is OK or not. Am I moving forward, going back..or just remaining like a by stander, complaining about it almost all the time.
And that noise in the faculty room. It is too much to bear sometimes. None of them care that one person is trying to concentrate. I talked about that with one of my co-workers, who seems quite sensible, quite and sober....but she doesn't find it annoying or distracting enough. "I am used to it" was her reply. So Ok.
Thursday, was so hectic. One of my students invited me to celebrate Diwali with him at 3 pm, Light house Mandir. In 30 minutes I was back in the university. I felt alone. I should have asked someone to go with me. At Rickshaw I was smsing M to come and join me. Seriously, I have no idea what the heck was that.
There are some other events' invitation too. In none I am interested.
Karachi's 11th International Book fair is happening at the Expo center. I don't want to go there either.
On Friday, breakfast plan was done with A. Still I had two bread with mayonnaise spread on them with a tea. First thing I did after reaching uni, I send my dptt's door man out to buy halwa puri for us. A, came late. Till 10 we were in so called the university's Coffee House, having our greasy desi break fast with coffee. I told her same old shit. Same old talk.
M is right. We are just crying.