After Two Eids...Monsoon Rains

If you are my reader then you must have read my Ramadan and  Eid Al Fitar post. They were brief because I can't tell you what exactly  going on with me.  The mood/condition/mental state remained like that till Eid Al Adha. I didn't do any ritual of sacrifice this time. This is no complaint but there is some thing so damn off.  Since June to August, I was just crying and crying my heart out.  There were good news and bad news but I was not present mentally to process any of them. Strange-gloomy-dead period. 

On Eid Al Adha day, I dressed up somehow. My mother gifted me Eid dress. Sonia messaged me for video call. But after that I went back to my old gloomy self.  There is only AM with whom I talk about my feelings without any filter. As a guy, he has no idea what to do with me. But he listens. His patience makes me more  ashamed. Twice I vent  out at him.  There are old things which comes back again and again. Unsolved issues. The trauma of past three years. The uncertainity. Fear of not knowing the way out.  He is a good man. And, I am Indeed a blessed person to have such people in my life. 

But having people in our lives does not mean they become responsible for us or take care for us. We have to be there for us.  Like I said, it is a sheer blessing if some one is there. In end, we have to take care of us. We have to live for us. Life has its own rules and regulations. Understanding the game and playing properly is the key to live happily. 

I have also decided few things for my future. Life need discipline and decisions. I have my strength and limitions. So far I have understood my game. There is very little, limited things for me in everything. The more I push beyond my naseeb/luck, the more I hurt myself.  I guess, this is whete we are mistaken: 

a) Everything is not foreveryone. 

b) Naseeb...whatever is written for me can't be changed even trying hard. 

c) Giving up is better.

d) There is nothing wrong in being a loser.

e) Whatever is mine will be mine.

No hurry. No desires any more. It only exhausted me.  Anxiety comes when we try for those things which are not for us. We want to be someone. Today's world doesn't accept us if we are no body. The competition ...all is illusion. We are actually no body. 

What is most real is human relation. Your people. Your closed, blood related  family. It could we your parents and siblings, or spouse and children. They are real relationships, at least in this part of the world. In traditional mariage oriented societies. We prefer their own blood related people  in the end of the day. Everyone has their own family. Marriage is here for a reason. It gives relationships.  If it wasn't, no one would care each other. 

For so long, I dread this idea of commitment. I still do, if you ask me. It takes a courage to surrender your life to someone. But there will be no freedom we long for. We will be bond to someone. This is the fear, right? We don't want to be bond. 

Isn't happiness is real when shared? 

Who gives us real happiness? 

And how we find that person to share our life with ? 

And the most important question: what is freedom? Why afraid of being with someone and taking responsibility ? 

I couldn't do it, so far. My bad, but now I understand the reality, atleast. Maybe I will surrender too. 

I also had sever cluster headache for at least 15 days. 

I went to Uni and then bank on  August 5.  There were deposits to made to three different people in three different bank. I have been delaying it. Bought shoes from Sawa, facial stuff from ABM Cosmetics, and cake from Pie in the sky, bakery. 

Now, monsoon rains have started in Karachi. 

It is not like that I have nothing to do in life. There is so much. Everyday is bright. But I amunable to do anything. I am becoming a person who is depressed. It i so unlike me. I have been so good to divert my attention to do something positive or move on if anythings bother me. May be it is a  age factor and no proper routine.  And, it is leading to  procrastination.