Once again

This happened to me for the second time. 

When I was in grade 9, there was too much stress to pass my first board exams. Everyone in school and home, only used to talk about it. I did my best and got 84 percent, but developed a cyst in my ovary. I missed couple of my periods. I was just around 15, so had my periods back just by having meds for  five days. Doctor clearly told me this happened due to stress.

 Now again I am going through stress. In Covid's lock down, I am not getting much work. So all day long thinking and thinking. Work and other activities keep me busy.  My weight gain is linked to it. Things got messed up since 2017. I didn't care.  I was 45 kg in 2017. Reached 80 kg in 2018. Now it is 62 kg. Trying so hard. Didn't know my hormones were acting up that was I was unable to reduce weight. At that time there was no menses issue. I got alarmed when the have reduced to only up to two days. It was a time to go and see the doctor. 

 Now I am 34. My FSH level is 23, when it should be in the single digit. That is why my menses have reduced up to 2 days only. One doctor was putting me on insulin to cure POCS. Another doctor gave me steroid for three months. She has told me to get ready for worst if I am not gonna reduce my weight in a month. 

Female's health, energy, fertility, and weight gain are all link to this  hormone known as Follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH). It controls the menstrual cycle and stimulates the growth of eggs in the ovaries. 

It is a gonadotropin, a glycoprotein polypeptide hormone. FSH is synthesized and secreted by the gonadotropic cells of the anterior pituitary gland, and regulates the development, growth, pubertal maturation, and reproductive processes of the body.

FSH plays an important role in sexual development and functioning as well. '

I went to park with my friend and her two daughters last month. We took lots of pics. I could not recognized my self in those pictures. My hair, face shape and body have changed a lot. It wasn't fat or aged but different in not a good way either. 

This too shall pass. What ever has gone has gone. Good thing is that I have learned my lesson. 

All blame is on me.  I didn't care about myself. Period. 

A guy friend,  was the first one who noticed something is wrong with me when I posted one of my selfie on Instagram in August. He was linking it with my no sex life. As a man he thought what he could  have thought. However, it was kind of him to notice it. I kinda minded it at first. Now I can link this situation with his concerned. It was on my face. 

I am by nature a carefree person. But everyone around me literally force  me to be careful and think.  I should have listened in 2017. 

I never think or worry about anything except my 9th grade exams. That too because of peer pressure. Every fucking person around me at that time was fucking nerd. There only talk was passing exams. I wanted to have fun. I instead of avoiding,  gave too much space to them. Some time it to impossible to keep losers away. They are in your face. Even if you push them away politely, they remain there without any shame.  

Victim of  forced worries.