To be or not to be

I came across couple of  people who have either burnt out or about to burn out.  After listening to them I realized that they are trying too hard to be someone/something when their true nature is not that. It figures. We belong to the generation where we were brought up to " be something" even if we have that thing in us or not.  You know what it is OK if you are not something. Everyone is not supposed to be anything at all.

Chill.

  

Actually we measure our worth by being something. Achievements, status and fame type delulu gets us validation we starve for. All we need some work which should satisfy our soul rather than satisfy people around us.  Then comes motivational speakers who motivate fish to climb tree and monkey to swim. Let fish swim, and monkey climb tree. We live in a time where it looks like everything is possible if we work hard.

Everyone has different story. 

In the quest of being something we constantly overwhelm ourselves by a high volume of unnecessary tasks, tight deadlines, and unrealistic expectations without realizing whether we can do it or not. It  lead to burnout. We  feel we have too much on our plate and insufficient time or resources to complete the work, it can cause emotional exhaustion and stress. There comes a time when we hit rock bottom. It is because we are doing something against our nature. 

End of 2023

2023 is done. It was a tough year. I  wasn't getting the simple thing therefore life taught me in its way. Hope, I really, really hope that I get things easily. Life overall is not that bad neither that difficult as we made it. Accept your fate, condition and present. At least in my case. 

I just found  new word "Certitude"/ˈsəːtɪtjuːd/ noun/ meaning: absolute certainty or conviction that something is the case.

 

English is a language I learned in school. Urdu is my first language, if you don't know. Was it necessary for us t learn English ? I don't know. Neither have I ever paid any  proper attention to it. However, learning new words make me happy. Just like this word "Certitude. " 

PJs days.

There are always some days when I do literally nothing. And I am loving it. It is Saturday. I am at home. There is nothing better than that. Went out for a walk and bought lunch for me and mom, as we are outta gas since tomorrow. 

Back in days, I used to feel this is as a sin to waste a day. Now, I find it blessing. I just speared myself thing and burnt out. 

Who am I ?

What products I am producing when I am so productive?

This laziness is true to me. The winter longs night are so healing. Everything is at its right place. 

The more I have let go, the more I am relax and more organized. This is helping me to think clearly, solve problems, and make decisions. I actually cant express in words how clam I am feeling in this venture of slow down life. I feel safe in this quietness and  calmness. I am just catching up on all the years it didn't have the stillness. It takes a lot of effort and time to get heal from trauma. 

There are few workshops coming next week. I will try my best to attend them. 

My ATM card got stuck in the machine. Now, I have to wait couple of days to get it back. 

Shopping in Karachi is becoming so chaotic ( for me). I also don't know why I needed to go that "Mall? " 

There was electricity breakout in my building since 11:30 am. After cleaning and lunch, around 2:00 pm, I decided to go and get some stuff.

 There are three mall in a row. There was no such crowd in the first one. I brought my things.   Then I had my coffee and Irish Scone. I just wanted to feel relaxed and chic like Instagram people. 

Boooo...

I am in chaotic middle class area of Karachi. " That peace and quietness" in not in my naseeb. I should quit it !

There was something strange in the atmosphere. I felt it. Maybe it was due to humidity and noise. Even though it rained. Something was off. To get some other stuff, I needed money. ATM is in first mall. I headed there and pew !

The moment I entered my card, Machine got shut down. 

Relax

Somehow, I also/ almost got scamed  into believing that success means living a fast life ( I don't know what is the right word) is the only way to live. Since 2015, I got in to hustle culture. It was the most crulest and meanest thing I did to my soul.

Being in competition gives  high. You feel good. I felt on the top of the world. Everyone was praising me for being so active and a fun person. I also tried to be part of the it crowd. 

It was all unnecessary. 

You could be fun with out  being psycho.

It is for a reason.

There is always one or two videos on I have no friends due to Social Anxiety whenever I open YouTube page. 

I never have had any social anxiety going, any desire to fit in anywhere but not much friends. And I was the happiest. It was because I was true to my real self.  My biggest mistake was becoming social. The problems/trauma  I have had was the ugliest.  

My life learned lesson is that accept your real self. 

If you are an introvert, embrace it. If you have no friends. Be happy. Everything is not for everyone.  Actually, we hurt ourselves by going against our nature. Where it is written that we all have to have to be social and have so many friends otherwise we are  losers and awkward. 

Scam Alert !

Yes, we need people. These people are every where. So don't worry. Every person is not for you either. I know this is sad. We want to be with certain people or group  of people. Reality is that they might be good individual, could not be our match, though. 

I guess it is also more about of our desired to be liked by everyone. To be popular, I guess. We all want to be loved, liked, appreciated, validated and accepted. 

Be aware. 

This whole ordeal  could be so hectic and toxic because you are compelling and struggling to be someone else or somewhere else.  Having social anxiety is a cue for us to understand that we are not design for social life. There is no award in being social butterfly. There is no such thing as friends. 

 Then there is issue of speaking to strangers. It is difficult for some. I can understand. Take your time. Practice !

Funny thing. No one cares. People forget people. 

Actual problem loneliness because of having no real relationships. That is alarming and problematic. Humans long for meaningful, fulfilling and deep relationships. Unfortunately, we try to find it in others in the name of friendship from random strangers. Why would anyone be with us, talk to us, or be our  friend? Here comes the role of blood relations and community. 

Ask yourself.

 What do you want?

Someone to accept you as who you are?

Or you want whole world to like you?

My life is blessed with less people around me. I have no such desire to fit in. It is peaceful. 

What is the deal?

I just attended a conference virtually. The moderator remined me of someone I know very well. Same energy, same facial features,  same style...maybe because both are of same age. The person is know is wasted, though.  The lived he lived is very difficult. Whenever he comes into my mind I think he is not responsible of all his miseries. Guidance is must to be a decent human. Guidance is required to accept the fate. We can't fight this test alone. Irony is that we are alone in this test though. 

He was unable to be handled and guided by his simple parents in his teen. Became paralyzed in lower body in an accident in his mid twenties. He never understood his test for life till now. Bitter and angry for whatever happened to him.  

I have never understood this deal. 

What and how much is in our hands? 

What he never forgave and moved on ? 

Life indeed test us will illness, money, even  with all the blessings. 

Who are winners in the end?